Pretty In Pink?

Heart pounding, hands sweating, couldn't string together a coherent sentence....that's what happened when I went clothes shopping with a friend yesterday. I HATE SHOPPING, like a skinny person hates carbs....

But I had to do it, see, my sister is getting married and asked me to be her Matron of Honor. When I think of Matron, I think of an old lady dressed in white, with a big netted bun in her hair. I am extremely honored by the request, and I am excited at the opportunity, as I have never been a bridesmaid ever! As far as the outfit goes, pink is a lovely color but when I think about pink on me, images of Nelly the Elephant come to mind. I will kill her if she makes me have an up-do with babies breath in my hair. Oh, and her fiance kindly said that I could wear a "baggy" dress....

Back to the shopping and why I submitted myself to this torture. I would rather have all my teeth extracted with a pliers than go clothes shopping! My friend Ron (named changed to protect her identity) won't ever want to set foot in a mall with me again after the 2 hours of sulking and ill-humor she was subjected to. She's lost more than 20kg's since March, yes it's true, and I discovered, entirely possible! (which depresses me) She is inspiring. She used to be my size so I knew that if anyone would know what would suit my figure, she would; added to the fact that she's a Kimora Lee Simmons in the making.

So I went shopping for a pink dress with "Ron". DISASTER.....The dress she had in mind was sold out in my size, so she said I should try on the only one left, in a smaller size so that I could get an idea of what it looked like on the body, and maybe have one made....After 5 minutes in the change room, I hadn't even managed to get one arm through the dress.

I looked in the mirror and the front waist of my "stomach slimming" panties had rolled down to just above THE area (I'll leave THAT to your imagination). These panties are supposed to pull the tummy in, if you didn't know, but my stomach has a life of it's own. It bulges out no matter what underwear, and my stomach blubber screams "FREE WILLY". Then, as if in answer to the whale call of my slummy tummy, the front waist of my panties starts rolling down, like those home made "cigarettes" that you roll in paper from the telephone book.

As I was having this crisis, Ron was trying something else on in the next room and called out, "let me see what it looks like on you"...I almost had a meltdown in the shop. Adding to my misery was the sales attendant who was wearing the same dress in black that day, and looked super sexy in it too....

So I put my jeans and t-shirt back on, mustered all the self-respect I had left, walked out of the change room and collapsed on the couch in the change room waiting area....and Ron walks out of her change room with this beautiful strapless all in one top/short thingy! On the one hand I was in awe of how much weight she's lost and inspired by her accomplishment yet on the other hand, I just wanted to take her to Mcdonalds and force feed her super sized Mcmeals.....(Sorry Ron, jealousy makes me nasty)

The more I think about it though, maybe instead of killing my sister (so in effect there is no wedding), and force-feeding my friend, I can draw from this experience, be inspired by Ron's accomplishment, take stock and set some goals to achieve before 5 March 2011, D-Day...(my sister's wedding day)

P. S

NOTE TO SELF: Mmmm, Find out from Hayley what's on the menu at the wedding reception, wedding food is divine....

Hi, My name is Sasha, and I'm GREEDY!

I watched Oprah last night with growing irritation. It was about people with food issues, so I was quite interested to see what it was all about, me obviously being one, considering my size.

This is why I got irritated. My question is, are there simply no more people in the world who would confess to being GREEDY? Does everything these days HAVE to have an underlying emotional cause or root?

I confess, I am a good size, because I love to cook and when it tastes good, I sometimes (ok, lots of times) over eat, and thats caused me to gain weight. Yes, I AM GREEDY.

Most of us can admit to having that extra piece of chocolate cake because it tasted so good, some of us just do it more often than others. Coupled with lack of exercise, what more can one expect but growth in stature, unless you have the metabolism of a stick insect! So, lets adjust my previous statement, I'm GREEDY and LAZY.....

Don't get me wrong, there are definitely people out there who use food to medicate an underlying emotional problem, but why is everyone jumping on the bandwagon?

My theory is this... nobody is going to feel sorry for you if you say, "I am fat, because I am greedy". If you say, "I can't deal with stress, so I medicate myself with food, because the food makes the stress go away", people are more inclined to feel sorry for you, rather than judge you.

The more I ponder this phenomenon, the more angry I become. So many people are now jumping on this "emotional root cause" bandwagon, it detracts from or trivializes the cases where some individuals really have an eating disorder.

I say GET REAL.....If I was in an EA (Eating Anonymous) meeting with some of these people, I would stand up and say, "Hi, my name is Sasha and I'm greedy".....How many jaws do you think would drop?

Choc-O-holic!

Okay, okay, I also picked up on the bitchy tone of my last post, but that's what happens when I'm deprived of my chocolate fix. I turn into a raving lunatic. No offence to my skinny friends, but I think lack of chocolate is the reason why most skinny people look miserable.

I stepped onto my digital scale last night, I don't know what possessed me to buy one that's glass on top of it being digital. Back to the issue, I stepped onto the scale and it wouldn't work. Ha ha, I can almost hear you saying, "She's so fat, she broke the scale". I DIDN'T break the scale! I don't know if it needs new batteries but it's not working. So I told my husband that the scale's not working, to which he replied, "You don't need a scale to tell you that you're heavy" SAY WHAT??!!

If the look I gave him didn't kill him, then the next few words that were about to come out of my mouth, would! He IMMEDIATELY back tracked and said, "No love, what I'm trying to say is WE can feel it in our bodies if we're feeling extra heavy or bloated, we don't need the scale to tell us"

Yeah...right!

I decided I had bigger problems than a broken scale, so I let that one slide, but that's a big X against Hubby's name...I'm waiting for our next argument so I can use his comment as ammunition, especially one where I'm at fault. I will pull out the big guns; snot, tears and "YOU DON'T LOVE ME, YOU SAID I'M HEAVY"....He doesn't know it yet, but I've won the argument already! (I am on what you might call, the heavy side, but that's besides the point, HE'S not allowed to say it!!)

I remember a time when I was so skinny that people thought I was sick. Those were the good old days! I didn't mind being called Olive, from Popeye and Olive. I was called Daniel son, from Karate Kid, and my favourite tease was "Sasha, you're so skinny, if you swallowed a whole grape, you'd look pregnant" and "When we go camping you could bring a piece of hose-pipe for a sleeping-bag"

Oh, how I miss those days, but I wouldn't change a thing. I know there's a reason for me eating all this chocolate. It's been said that Einstein was eating chocolate when he came upon the theory of relativity.

Who knows, like Einstein, I might be on the threshold of some amazing new discovery, and no matter the personal sacrifice, I will continue this endeavour of chocolate eating, for the benefit of all humankind.

FACEmotionalBOOK

Lets digress from "weighty" issues, if just for a day.

Ok, I'm on facebook, who isn't these days, even my mom's on facebook. She keeps poking me?

I've used the friend finder to successfully hook-up with some long lost friends. All would be wonderful in the world of facebook except the one thing that's troubling me tremendously...

There's a certain "friend", well there are two actually, I won't mention names, who won't accept my friend requests!

The first is a really snooty___(fill in the blank)! We lived in the same neighbourhood, went to the same PUBLIC school but Miss Thang had a high pitched twang to her voice. One would swear she had attended a "model C" school her entire life. We were friends, sort of anyway, as teenagers, but lost contact after school. Ok, I'm not torn over her declining my invitation, I should never have expected better of 'Princess Margaret!' lol!

The second is where my grief and heartache sets in. We went to high school together, went to movies, had sleep-overs, all the other teenage stuff and were very close (or so I thought) and although we lost touch after high school, well, in my head I still thought that we were friends.

Well, when she didn't immediately accept my invite, I assumed that she wasn't on facebook that often, so I waited. Lo and behold, there she was, commenting left, right and centre on mutual friends status updates, so she MUST have seen my request, but still no response. So I sent her another request, and another and yet another...and nothing! I'm not stupid, after the 4th, maybe 5th request(I'm not stalking), I realised that she'd declined my invite.

Why? What did I ever do to her? I went onto her profile a few times (I'm NOT stalking!) and I've seen for myself that she has regular status updates. How am I supposed to feel when I see "So and So is now friends with Trevor Noah and 5 other people", and I'm not one of the 5? We have 10 mutual friends, come on!

Okay, it might be because she had a major crush on a certain guy right throughout high-school and that certain guy later became my husband, or maybe it's because my profile picture is one where my husband is giving me a big smooch on my forehead and we look like we're crazy in love? (Well we are, besides the times when he doesn't use toilet spray after using the toilet)

If there's anything I hate more than being hungry, it's being rejected! I'm thinking about sending her a short inbox message, something like "WHY WON'T YOU ACCEPT ME??", but that might seem a bit too stalker-like (I'm still considering it). My heart feels like it's been ripped to shreds!

How can someone be so heartless? I've been eating chocolates non-stop to fill the void that SHE'S created.

Oh, wait, to be honest, I eat chocolates non-stop- PERIOD...

Damn those mirrors!!!

So, I went clothes shopping on Saturday...what a disaster! I had to go to the doctor for anti-depressants afterwards. (looking back now, I should've asked him for diet pills, Duramine maybe...hmm, I'm going to have to take a trip back to the doc)

Why would a retailer put 3 way mirrors in a fitting room? Why would they be SO cruel? Do I REALLY need to look at myself from EVERY angle? I was horrified (to say the least) by what I saw.

My body has dimples in places I never knew dimples could possibly exist, and, am I really THAT rotund? I think those mirrors are magnified. No, I KNOW those mirrors are magnified! I will not believe otherwise....

Oh, and another thing, what's this new trend in clothing supposed to be? I ask for my size, 36 (okay, you got me, 38) and the sales lady tells me that these tops are "free size"?! So I ask what free size is, and she replies that "one size fits all"....excuse me?!

I'm too scared to buy one of these free size thingy's ...in my minds eye I see myself wearing this "top" and thinking I'm all cute and then pass a little size 28 girl wearing the same "top" as a dress. I would die of embarrassment!

Look, I don't know how I'm supposed to lose weight...I'm at a loss. I watch TV and see that there are people who eat when they are depressed, some who eat when they are stressed and some who use food as a crutch to get through life. I thought about why I'm fat and came to this conclusion, I LOVE FOOD! Yes, food is my thing. I love to eat, I love to cook and I love to watch people eat what I cook and then say that it was delicious.

Okay, maybe I can increase the whole exercise thing. My treadmill has been gathering dust and my poor power plate hasn't had some wobbly blubber on it for at least 6 months. I could start with that and then see where it takes me.

I'm tired already, just thinking about it... I wonder if I've burned any calories whilst typing....

Pro...crastination!

It just occurred to me that the prefix, pro, in procrastination implies being active or positive towards something, whereas the actual meaning of the word is contrary to this.

Okay, its Monday, and I haven't started the diet, exercise etc, etc...But I have a very good reason.

I had a dream or rather, a nightmare last night. In the dream, I was picking my nose and all my friends were pointing and laughing at me. See, its a bad omen, I can't start my new fabulous life on that note, and anyway, who starts a diet on a Monday? Its not called blue Monday for nothing!

I know what you're saying, I'm making excuses, but seriously, would you want to make these drastic life changes after having THAT nightmare?

So, I decided that I need to regroup and re-assess my plan of action.

I'm going to start on the first of the new month. Yes, 1 September is D-day...provided it's not a Monday...and I don't have another nightmare.

Until then, well, life continues as per normal, unless I have another epiphany that spurs me into action, and another nightmare that brings on inaction...the cycle continues.....

Flab, Drab, Fab....MAD?

I am at a crossroad...the choice is continue to be DRAB and FLAB or to take the proverbial bull by the horns and become FAB(fabulous)....Its not as easy as it sounds. I have spent years perfecting this dreary worn-out mommy look, but when I peek ahead down this road called DRAB, the path looks scary, filled with endless days spent in flip-flops, pony-tails, cargo pants and trim-and-lift underwear!

On the other hand, the road to FAB is equally daunting, shaving, waxing, blow-drying, painting nails and the scariest, most terrifying thing imaginable, diet and exercise!!! Urggghhh goosebumps!

What a dilemma! but I have had an epiphany that has helped me to make up my mind. I thought about what I would look like in my coffin if I died tomorrow. Ok, I know this is weird but just stay with me for a little while and you will see where I am going with this. Think about when you lie flat on your back, your body weight tends to spread out so you look even fatter than you do standing, now imagine it being dead weight? (pardon the pun) lol!! ...woohhh, scary stuff.

Then I realised, I walk around looking like this everyday, flabby and fabulous (that's what I tell myself), yet I wouldn't want anyone to see me like this when I am dead, lying in a coffin! Oh, the pure IRONY of it all!

So, this is what I am doing, starting today (ok, maybe tomorrow, I must still go shopping for all the healthy stuff...umm lets make it Monday, a good day for a fresh start), I am going to LIVE FABULOUSLY!

So, here's to the start of an adventure worth taking, I don't know where this road leads, but it's got to be better than the one I've been taking.